The Anagram for May Contest Winner is Coy Weiner Man NT.

An announcement unlikely to impact 327 of you.

Pictured here: The selected winner with their chosen free T-shirt posing with The Gutter official spokesperson.

Congratulations to MOMinator for winning the May merch giveaway!

It was a struggle delivering the good news, let me tell you. Being a great lover of tradition, I typically deliver good news by hand, so after taking about 6 hours to write her coupon code on a lovely piece of hand-printed stationery, I tracked MOMinator down to her location in the back of what appeared to be an abandoned Pier One Imports that someone had boarded over and written “PHARMASEE” on in red spray paint.

Attempting to deliver my message, I heard the sound of a hand-cranked air-raid siren from within, whereupon between 6 and 40 goats emerged from the trunks of abandoned cars and Dumpsters in the parking lot and charged.

I dropped the winner’s note- which bought me a precious moment as it was immediately set upon and eaten by the goats- and fled for my life, barricading myself inside a defunct phone booth and, not without a sense of irony, called Fathermouth from the cell phone in my pocket. As he was unable to stop laughing long enough for me to give my location, I hung up and called Husbandmouth, who remained on the line during the 2-hour drive from his job to complain about me pulling him away from work, and retrieved me in a tanker truck filled with liquid soap, whose odor repelled the goats long enough to make good my escape.

So, thanks, MOMinator. Thanks for nothing. Thanks to your batshit antics, I’ve abandoned tradition and notified the winner by email. Look for a one-time coupon code in the email address associated with your Substack account good for any item in Brothermouth’s merch store, plus free shipping.

merch store

I’ll pick a winner randomly from the list of paid subscribers at the end of each month. You can win once per year.

As always, everyone can use the coupon code “BUTTHOLE” to get 10% off anything in the store, in perpetuity.

Or, y’know, become a paid subscriber for a chance to win, plus support future good things.