Hell Money

Because gods are stupid rubes designed to be manipulated, right?

Very many years ago, 
the Bolivians were starving so
They had rats as big as ponies there. 
They asked the Pope
To declare them fish

We thank the Pope for granting us this wish
When Friday comes, we'll all call rats fish
We catch them with a net, kill with the gun
We'll call it all forgotten when we're done
-Rasputina, 'Rats'

(Note: This post sends up a LOT of religious traditions. If you see yours represented here, it will probably be unflattering. Don’t worry, it isn’t alone, and the purpose here isn’t to mock the shortcomings of specific faiths. And there are lots of other examples I didn’t have time for. Feel free to express your deep offense in the comments. Also, for the purposes of this post, no religions are being examined on the virtue of their truth/untruth, just their absurdities.)

Hell Bank Notes, certified by Yu Wong, god of hell, who has a handwritten signature.

Seriously, just make the denominations whatever. It’s really that easy.

Use dead Americans, too! They’re probably in Chinese hell!

Are you familiar with Hell Money? If you’ve ever lived around- or belonged to- an ethnic Chinese community, you see this stuff littering the streets in various stages of discard or abuse during “Hungry Ghost Month.” You can buy them in massive shrink-wrapped packages in Chinese convenience stores or traditional goods stores that sell smelly herbs and rhino dongs, as well.

Hell Money is a cute cultural tradition like Halloween or Easter that virtually no one that celebrates it thinks about at all, but it represents the kind of terminal stage of a culture’s spiritual progression.

Quick summary: as is very apropos for Chinese culture, if you’re dead and in hell (in this spiritual tradition, everyone goes to Hell, which they didn’t really call ‘hell’ until they met Westerners), you need money to bribe your jailors, bureaucrats, and torturers, because remember, this is the Chinese afterlife. The guy you want to bribe with these most of all is Yanluo Wang (whose signature, like some comical Secretary of the Treasury, is apparently on all the hell money you can buy in English-speaking places), the god that judges and sorts everyone.

Before contact with the English-speaking world, it wasn’t really called “hell money,” it was just another form of “joss”- paper stuff burnt as an offering. Joss itself is a big part of the story here, and the reason hell money is the title of this story.

Hell money and joss in general represent stagflation occurring over a few centuries in Chinese ancestor worship. Originally, afterlife bribes- like everything else in the Confucianism-dominated Chinese cultural bureaucracy- had very careful weights and measures of real things that were burnt in offering, the most common being valuable trade goods, sacrificial animals like horses and oxen, and currency.

A few hundred years ago, this became little paper cutouts or foldouts of the same stuff- cute paper horses and oxes, little paper barrels meant to be full of imaginary wine or rice, etc.

A few hundred years later, when they encountered the Western world’s model of paper bank notes as fiat currency, the little paper things became hell bank notes. And the denominations quickly skyrocketed, because who the hell cared what number you put on it? Oh, and you’re putting a made-up Lord of Hell’s signature on there so it’s offish.

Have you heard of a shabbos goy?

“God doesn’t care what happens to you, so can you run this elevator for me?”

This is something that people outside of NYC probably don’t know about, because it’s a rather limited practice among certain orthodox Jewish communities. On Saturday, shabbos, orthodox Jews aren’t supposed to engage in “work”- someone who is observant of this rule is shomer shabbos.

For orthodox Jews this gets extremely technical- it’s not okay to operate an elevator, but if someone happens to be pushing the elevator buttons for the place you happen to be going, it’s okay to ride along. (I’ve occasionally met people who seem to feel there’s some strange taboo about calling out what you’re doing or asking for it, and so on a Saturday when someone would step into an elevator and say ‘can someone go to 8,’ this was what was going on). It’s not okay to turn on a stove or a heating pad, but if it already happens to be on because you turned it on yesterday or put it on a timer to turn itself on, you can heat up the food that’s already on it. (In certain majority Orthodox neighborhoods near where I grew up, there were routinely news stories about terrible house fires where families crowded into massive code-violating houses burned to death because of hot plates on Saturday and bad wiring.)

For some people this kind of stuff is a pain in the ass, so why not have a shabbos goy? A “goy,” singular for “goyim,” is a non-Jewish person. This is someone traditionally hired to follow you around doing things that count as work- opening and closing things, turning things on and off, and so on. We don’t worry about them working on shabbos, because they’re not shomer shabbos and are therefore already fucked, so why not let them make a little scratch during their lousy mortal existence? You can’t pay them on the same day, though- that counts as work.

Have you heard of eating fish on Fridays for Lent?

Lent is a period of grieving and spiritual and physical purification in the Catholic calendar. If you’re observant, you’re not supposed to eat meat on Fridays during this period- so said the council of Nicea about 600 years ago.

But what about fish? Well, okay, upon further consideration, you can eat fish, because fish “doesn’t taste like flesh and blood.” Fun fact! This led to an economic boom of Vikings selling salted and smoked cod, then a relative trade secret, in massive quantities up and down Europe to observant Christians (and, I dunno, maybe next year stealing their cows or something). We even got the McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish, a truly hellish invention, to satisfy the large Catholic population abstaining from burgers on Fridays!

“Yes, this Yahweh sounds very mighty. That’ll be 300 kroner for the fish and that doesn’t include our famous Tatar sauce, made from real Tatars.”

Meat is defined Biblically in some places as “something with a backbone.” Don’t fish have a backbone? Um. I’ve also found where fish are okay because they’re “cold-blooded,” unlike Christ (into whose flesh and blood the Communion host becomes in the concept of transubstantiation). What about shrimp? Can I- great! How about lobster? Wow, really? How decadent- I mean, what an excellent way to purify myself through humble and modest practices.

Oh, shit, there are no fish this year and we’re really hungry! What? Rats don’t count anymore? Or, wait, just this one kind that doesn’t sound appetizing? The pope says it’s actually a fish? Awesome! (This was the inspiration for the song at the top of the post.)

Pictured here: fish

By the way, while it is a myth that Lenten fish started as a cynical ploy by the Pope to prop up the powerful fishermen’s guild, it IS the case that centuries later, when Anglicism replaced Catholicism as the dominant sect in Britannia, Edward VI did reinstate papal fast days- an element of the church that Anglicans allegedly completely rejected as a spiritual affront- "for worldly and civil policy, to spare flesh [animal meat], and use fish, for the benefit of the commonwealth, where many be fishers, and use the trade of living."

By the way, this year (2022), if you were Catholic, you could eat meat on March 25, because thanks to the strangeness of the lunar and Julian calendars’ interplay, the Solemnity of the Annunciation falls during Lent, and it’s a Feast Day, and when Feasts fall on Lenten Fridays, they override them, and this was all worked out.

Seriously, there were dispatches about how you can run out and get a burger while you can- but only this year because of the weird calendar thing, like how you’re only immune from prosecution if you strangle and bury a drifter or prostitute on public land on December 32 (called “Bastard Easter” around my parts).

Relax. I’m done now.

I could have gone on and on, because this sort of thing has always been a subject of interest to me. Specifically, the notion of religious legalism- the idea of ostensibly divine law, as enshrined in religious doctrine, being subject to “loopholes” and semantic manipulation by humans and dissembling logic.

Hey, look, you said if we burn it, our ancestors get it in Hell- you didn’t say it had to actually have VALUE (what the fuck does “sacrifice” really mean, anyway?)…

Hey, look, I’m not touching the doorknob, this doomed heathen is…

Hey, look, you said I could have a burger today before you said I couldn’t, and this guy says this one overrides the other…

…BUT I’M STILL TOTALLY SINCERE AND EARNEST IN MY BELIEF AND DOING THIS BECAUSE I VALUE IT.

For the purposes of this essay- and when I talk about organized religions in general- I view a religion (again, leaving aside its ontological ‘rightness’ or ‘wrongness’) as being a social meme that serves a few very particular purposes:

1. To create a spiritual framework to provide existential satisfaction as a way of understanding one’s own place in the universe, the value of one’s life/soul, and the relationship to the important forces of the universe governing one’s life (god/gods).

2. To create an enduring framework for moral behavior- establishing what constitutes virtuous, honorable, good, or righteous behavior (typically as things that improve the state of one’s soul or are in accordance with the wishes of one’s god/s).

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3. To create a body of ritual behavior to help the aforementioned frameworks be easily transmissible down generations and to provide comforting, pleasurable social activities.

4. To package the aforementioned into a body of ideas and behaviors that create a cohesive culture that can be shared by a population of people, enabling them to enjoy the benefits of community and kinship and ensure broadly similar standards of social behavior across the population.

I arranged these four in this particular order on purpose as representing concentric circles of value that radiate out from the individual- religion helps you first get past your most primal existential horror, then gives you guiderails for your behavior, then gives you ways to perform socially with others, then gives you ways to have things in common with larger circles of people.

There’s also that divider. The bottom two work whether you earnestly believe in the metaphysical or religious underpinnings or not. The first two don’t. It’s fun to give each other Christmas presents whether or not you really believe Odin is leading the Wild Hunt through the night, pausing to toss lucky humans gifts- I mean, whether you believe Santa Claus is riding reindeer over chimneys- I mean, whether you believe Jesus, the son of God, was born in a manger in Bethlehem that night and given gifts by some kings that were really into astrology (which is witchcraft and a sin, BT dubs). We know what people mean when they loudly exclaim “Jesus Christ” or “God damn it.” You don’t have to believe in the stuff to get those cultural landmarks, and they can function really well for a long time with next to nobody actually believing their cultural underpinnings. (I’m writing this on a Thorsday, by the way.)

Remember that divider, and what separates them. We’ll get back to that in a minute when I finally get around to my thesis.

The reason I’ve been fascinated by religious legalism for so long is because examples like this piss me off, even in religions that aren’t mine, and I’m fascinated when I discover something that pisses me off.

For the record, while I usually try very hard to talk about various religions from a comparative, objective perspective- not spending lots of time trying to poke fun or holes at the material “correctness” of this or that religion’s metaphysics or cosmology- I believe that all four of the aforementioned things are good things that come out of genuine, robust bodies of faith, but especially the first two. Being better, more moral, more principled people who value our own lives and selves is going to make you a good person to have around, wherever you find yourself.

This is why when I see efforts to subvert what are the obvious actual intentions of religious behaviors- usually exercises in self-discipline, self-control, reflection, less materialism, etc.- by hoisting a body of faith by its own petard, I say, “okay. This is enshrined cheating. This isn’t someone who values the game in itself, this is someone who values ‘winning.’”

It implies that the god(s) in whom you’ve placed your faith are things you can trick and manipulate. (They definitely sound impressive and worthy of your worship, then.) Everyone knows what’s going on, you just found a way to get away with it. It implies some very unflattering things about your actual faith.

Which, you know, Rule #1, that’s fine- but don’t be a hypocrite. You’re not actually learning the lesson of sacrifice or self-denial and you don’t want to. Own that, but don’t kid yourself, you’re cheating.

Nearly there.

Okay. So what I call religious legalism sacrificed #1 and #2 on the altar of #3 and #4- our culture has evolved in such a way that some of these rules are just TOO HARD or NOT PRACTICAL and THERE ARE NO MORE VIRGINS ANYWHERE. But we don’t want to give up #3 and #4, so let’s- rather than do away with chunks of canon- massage them. Everyone can feel like they’re still being good Religitarians because we changed the rules of Religitarian for them in ways they can stick to.

Virtually every example of “religious bullshit lawyer games”/religious legalism I’ve heard of typically came LATER in the lifecycle of that faith- the egregious stuff was only rarely enshrined in the original canon. Also, predictably, the dissembling came at the edict of a religious governing body- whoever claimed authority over The Books and the enforcement of them.

So, government.

Governments LOVE religion- IF and ONLY IF they are its arbiters. Religions are absolutely incredible vehicles for amassing government power and draping your positions in layers of additional authority you can never achieve through secular means alone. It also gives you a huge body of built-in justifications for your inconsistent behavior, punitive activities against your citizens to consolidate your power, and so on. When government loses the reins of religion, it really, really hates it- very understandably so- for the tremendous threat it represents to their place in the power hierarchy, and the parallel body of ideology it represents for how to evaluate one’s behaviors and moral goodness.

As government maintains itself as the locus of control for faith over a long period of time, it will necessarily, always, dilute or warp the message or canon to preserve its own authority. This will always, always happen, and HAS always happened to every “state religion” in history over a long enough period of time. Your authority doesn’t keep its extra layer of legitimacy unless ALL your subjects are still believers in the religion- so you’ve gotta keep them on the bus, if in name only, or that additional layer of authority is gone- you’re no longer “the guy who collects my taxes as ordained by Taximus to deliver His gifts,” you’re just “the guy who collects my taxes whether I want him to or not.” As long as we’re all still calling ourselves Religitarians, even if we only go to the Religitarian Building on Big Day and even then just for the cake, we’re still a Religitarian nation. Hooray!

Conclusion/ tl;dr

This is why, if you’re a person of faith (and even if you’re not), it’s important to keep two important things close to your heart:

1. You are responsible for educating yourself as to the purpose and value of your faith traditions and understand that when it comes to your spiritual well-being the spirit of the law is more important than the letter of the law (it’s in the fucking name). You should know why- REALLY why- you do what you do in the name of your faith if you want to experience the actual #1 and #2 benefits.

2. You should be extremely allergic to the concept of state religion even (ESPECIALLY) if that religion is your own/a version of it you like. If the government decided we’d heal as a people if we went back to/became a “Christian Nation,” they’re going to decide how that works. You’ll have fun at first watching the police beat up and harass all the atheists and pagans but before too long you’ll discover that the thing they do at your church, like electric guitars or NOT electric guitars or women wearing pants or something- aren’t in the Official Guidebook Of American Christian Doctrine as decided by Congress, and now YOU’RE in jail with me because you said it like “Ay-men” instead of “Ah-men” and you’re as fucked as that crazy chick who worships Odin¹ and takes pictures of poop. Over a long enough timeline- and this timeline is divided by the speed of communication, so these days we’re talking about not really long at all- the government WILL turn the “legal form” of your dominant faith into something that, eventually, repels your notion of what good faith is, but by then it will be too late- you’ll have to conform or suffer. You do not want the government’s help in “restoring Christian values to America” or anywhere else, and you don’t want the government making laws for you based on a committee (Congress, SCOTUS) interpreting religious law, even if it’s laws you like. Before long, their will to power WILL lead to an interpretation that is anathema to your faith, and you’ll be as much of a heretic as, well, the other heretics.

   There. I hope I managed to piss off everyone more or less evenly. If not, I’ll try harder next time.

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1. P.S. That thing in Last Kingdom and other pop culture about Viking culture where you see people shoving swords into the hands of dying men (or swiping them out of the hands of hated dying enemies) or stabbing each other in the throat or chest to ensure that you do/don’t go to Valhalla wasn’t actually a thing. There is no example of any similar behavior in any writings, and is an example of religious legalism infecting the modern interpretations of a lost culture. The sagas and other source material make it clear- you got to Valhalla (or Folkvangr) because you were picked (by whatever Odin or Freyja’s discretion happened to be at the moment), and the justification for that picking was your character as a warrior and how you died, not a technicality about what you happened to be holding.