I Am The Science

Get The Fuck Out Of Here, Mythbusters

I really enjoy taking pictures of toilets, too. Can I be a White House staffer? Is a “staffer” like a “grip” or a “best boy/girl?”

Special thanks to research assistant Husbandmouth for in situ photography and oversight of experimental integrity.

First, the DAMNING EVIDENCE!!!!1!11!:

Now, the experiment:

Observations:

• I’m sorry my 40-year-old toilet isn’t as clean as one at the White House. I live on a farm that is continuously attempting to self-destruct.

• The paper was dropped from a standing position in front of the toilet at a natural distance within arm’s length. Possible confounds: I am 5’9”. Trump is 6’0”. At a glance I appear to have longer arms (described by previous sensei using the racist slur ‘monkey arms’ for which I have yet to receive compensation). This may have impacted trajectory and dispersion.

• Toilet was flushed immediately prior to experiment and allowed to refill tank before drop.

• Final photo was taken prior to flushing. Experiment was halted by research oversight committee Husbandmouth who stated “get that out of there, you’ll clog the toilet and get raided like Trump.”

Conclusion:

All in all, this seems pretty conclusive to me. If you’re going to manually tear up and dispose of documents by flushing them down the toilet, you’re DEFINITELY going to arrange them neatly at the very bottom of the bowl with the writing facing up and rotated to be legible in a photograph in a square pile that will somehow not be flushed at all or sustain water damage of any kind.

And this is certainly evidence of a sufficient pattern of misconduct worthy of bringing the full force of the Justice Department down like Thor’s Hammer upon the unworthy.

We have now conclusively resolved this debate. The Science is settled.

And just remember, if you attack me, you attack The Science.

But you’ll also be attacking me. I’m so excited. Dress nice. Make an effort.