This is gut-wrenchingly sad, but many are in exactly the same place -- just change some of the details. The end is likely not nigh. Hang in there...you have more friends than you know...since you are so pervasive on so many Substacks. I appreciate you for one...and I know many others do, too. As you have heard before, this, too, shall pass...and for the better I have to believe.
Sorry about the new set of trials with your dad. You will probably have more patience and energy after getting the hell out of dodge for a bit. You'll probably be nose to the wind for a while you and husband mouth join arms and lean into it.
Build your life for you, your husband and the family's happiness and fulfillment for the present. You will enjoy it more. Whatever is left for the afters is gravy. Prayers for all the Gutter clan.
Love this sad piece. Most of my days feel eerily similar with perhaps a pinch more anxiety than yours, just worried about the future. And not so much mine but my kids. I was 42 when I had my first, 46 my second (on my own, anon donor), because I wanted kids more than anything. I know the feeling you are talking about, the "what's it all for" if we're just pushing dirt around the farm ad infinitum. And you're right. It was worth every bit of effort. It has made me happy in a way nothing else did or could have. Except now I am terrified for them, having only realized our true state of affairs since covid hit and sometimes think, what have I done? I feel so bleak about the future.
I appreciate the soul bearing--it resonates. It's a shitty view for sure. Recently, someone reminded me that staying positive is a job of sorts and you have to work at it. I certainly do.
I am a fan, and I wish you the best in coming months...look at the stars, and realize how infinitesimal we are in the grand scheme of things, and take joy in being alive, here, at this moment...
Sorry to hear how hard things are. Hang in there, even if it’s just to show those mother effers that even if we’re down and out, we’re alive and kicking.
I’m exhausted just reading this. Perhaps Thoreau was correct in his assessment that most live their lives in quiet desperation. Except as of late, the little tyrants are not so quiet and seem hell bent on adding to the shared misery. As if our personal lives aren’t made up of one crappy event after another interspersed with the good, we are then bombarded from the outside forces we seemingly have no control over. It’s as if a giant black cloud is hanging over us, casting shadows that weigh like a heavy cloak. When there is the constant refrain from all corners that down is up and black is white, and what you know in your gut is false is being touted as true, well, it’s crazy making. Optimism is being sold at premium prices these days just like our gasoline.
Time to dig deep for that thing that gives our souls peace. Time to take time for noticing the little things we believe give our lives meaning. Not easy to do in the middle of a shitstorm.
And for you, I pray your dad gets back on track and can enjoy whatever time he has left on this earth and you have your abode back to normal. And my prayer is that your mood lightens and you are able to view your life with renewed joy. Hang in there, girlie.
It's bewildering and surreal to find oneself suddenly unable to support the current "Western" ideology as it's expressed around the world. Every accusation they level at Putin I could throw back in their faces, but Putin at least seems to have a basic degree of competence Western leaders consistently fail to amount achieve.
These people are so sure of themselves, so convinced of their moral superiority, so set on their "Side of History", but they're making all the same old mistakes.
This is pretty much exactly my position. We have a strange blind spot where we imagine that leaders of "other places" aren't acting in exactly the same self-interest.
"I’m a powerless little nobody." Don't say that about yourself. Never. I know the feeling, it's been living rent free in my head all my life, but it's a lie. You are not powerless. You are always a somebody. (I won't touch little - after nigh on 25 years of marriage I've learned that a any issue re: woman's size/weight only has one correct response: "Yes, dear".)
On the other hand, gout sucks ostrich eggs. I've had an "early warning" as the doctor put it. The pain is right up there with testing for chlamydia or gonorrea old school style - the one where the sardonically smirking nurse runs a bottle brush up your organ, back and forth. Or so I'm told. (Everyone believes that one, right?)
And hey, you're famous, aren't you? Held up as shining example as to how to handle trolls by Matthew Crawford no less!
And yes, it's a guy thing. As is pulling a nail out while joking. It's right up there with "You should see the other guy" or "Did I get him?" when waking up in the ER. Don't show weakness, don't give up, keep going, keep working, man up. We compete endlessly against our ideal version of ourselves, and we wouldn't have it any other way. (Suggestion for future musings, not that I hink you lack topics: what's the equivalent for women? I have known - platonically I must point out - several women who seemed to embody the words unstoppabel force/immovable object, just as I have known men - again platonically - who are more of the wilting Lily kind.)
All the best - any day I see you have a new post up is a good day in my book.
I know it sounds weird? As a woman " Of a certain age"( wtf does that mean???) ...no ..I'll be 56 on Mother's Day..I can tell you that women have confused me my entire life. Ok, I'll admit that People confuse me, because I'm looking at them through my " Don't lie" filter... But my own sex generally befuddle me. Probably because I've never been a Girls girl. Never been a clique girl. Never been a " breakfast club/ book club/ make-up club girl.
I hope Guttermouth takes up your suggestion, because then I might get a clue? Lol
My Mom had TAVR. And a horrific hospital experience when they refused to believe she was allergic to the blood thinner they'd given her,and after losing the ability to breath via anaphylaxis... an induced coma fiiiiinally gave them the time to fix their hosed up treatment.. and left my mom scared to die because she was aware! And the " Grey nothingness" terrified her.
She had the same electrophysiology reaction,got a pacemaker,and did well with recovery! Until pancreatic cancer occurred like kudzu. So- having rambled- your dad may recover as fully as he'll allow for. Let me say that again. As He'll Allow For.
I'm thinking a mixture of #2&3.
I'm a fighter. I've fought for everything all my fucking life. I've fought for my life for most of it...but I'm starting to wonder if " surrender" in a spiritual sense- isn't what I'm supposed to do? Try ...swat others along my way( because they need to wake the fuck up) to prepare for life without electricity ( because solar flares in a warning magnetosphere and likely micronova in our near-ish) and know it'll serve a future of many sorts...
All while my 25 yr old son continues to vacillate as to whether his mom is off her rocker on many fronts... She's been right, but..you know... her timeline isn't always on. She's been wrong rarely also,and those have been more indelibly chiseled in granite.
Meh- I'll try as I can to save him and the girl he married ( all the while wondering that she'd chip a nail planting stuff to survive...)
SC is pretty!! Wave hello to your West to me in Northeast Ga!!
Thanks. The adoption process is so dehumanizing and bullshit. I had to fight to get our initial payments back after they dropped us. They treat you like criminals. I get being careful, but it goes beyond. Anyone can be a parent, but the people who WANT to have to give up their privacy, crawl on their knees in a stupid social media meat market... grr.
This is gut-wrenchingly sad, but many are in exactly the same place -- just change some of the details. The end is likely not nigh. Hang in there...you have more friends than you know...since you are so pervasive on so many Substacks. I appreciate you for one...and I know many others do, too. As you have heard before, this, too, shall pass...and for the better I have to believe.
I know it will. I recognize when I'm just in a bad place and despairing. It's just a shitty view from where I'm sitting.
Hang in there. Your words bring such comfort to others. Know that a new family of compatriots is here now — on your side. 💜
That means a lot.
Sorry about the new set of trials with your dad. You will probably have more patience and energy after getting the hell out of dodge for a bit. You'll probably be nose to the wind for a while you and husband mouth join arms and lean into it.
Build your life for you, your husband and the family's happiness and fulfillment for the present. You will enjoy it more. Whatever is left for the afters is gravy. Prayers for all the Gutter clan.
Love this sad piece. Most of my days feel eerily similar with perhaps a pinch more anxiety than yours, just worried about the future. And not so much mine but my kids. I was 42 when I had my first, 46 my second (on my own, anon donor), because I wanted kids more than anything. I know the feeling you are talking about, the "what's it all for" if we're just pushing dirt around the farm ad infinitum. And you're right. It was worth every bit of effort. It has made me happy in a way nothing else did or could have. Except now I am terrified for them, having only realized our true state of affairs since covid hit and sometimes think, what have I done? I feel so bleak about the future.
I appreciate the soul bearing--it resonates. It's a shitty view for sure. Recently, someone reminded me that staying positive is a job of sorts and you have to work at it. I certainly do.
Thanks. And hearing a new mom around my age can hack it is really good to know.
I am a fan, and I wish you the best in coming months...look at the stars, and realize how infinitesimal we are in the grand scheme of things, and take joy in being alive, here, at this moment...
Sorry to hear how hard things are. Hang in there, even if it’s just to show those mother effers that even if we’re down and out, we’re alive and kicking.
Thanks. I'll survive. Count on it. 😊
I’m exhausted just reading this. Perhaps Thoreau was correct in his assessment that most live their lives in quiet desperation. Except as of late, the little tyrants are not so quiet and seem hell bent on adding to the shared misery. As if our personal lives aren’t made up of one crappy event after another interspersed with the good, we are then bombarded from the outside forces we seemingly have no control over. It’s as if a giant black cloud is hanging over us, casting shadows that weigh like a heavy cloak. When there is the constant refrain from all corners that down is up and black is white, and what you know in your gut is false is being touted as true, well, it’s crazy making. Optimism is being sold at premium prices these days just like our gasoline.
Time to dig deep for that thing that gives our souls peace. Time to take time for noticing the little things we believe give our lives meaning. Not easy to do in the middle of a shitstorm.
And for you, I pray your dad gets back on track and can enjoy whatever time he has left on this earth and you have your abode back to normal. And my prayer is that your mood lightens and you are able to view your life with renewed joy. Hang in there, girlie.
Your prayers are appreciated. I believe dad will ultimately be fine. And I never stay down for very long. :)
It's bewildering and surreal to find oneself suddenly unable to support the current "Western" ideology as it's expressed around the world. Every accusation they level at Putin I could throw back in their faces, but Putin at least seems to have a basic degree of competence Western leaders consistently fail to amount achieve.
These people are so sure of themselves, so convinced of their moral superiority, so set on their "Side of History", but they're making all the same old mistakes.
This is pretty much exactly my position. We have a strange blind spot where we imagine that leaders of "other places" aren't acting in exactly the same self-interest.
I'm a bit steamed reading this:
"I’m a powerless little nobody." Don't say that about yourself. Never. I know the feeling, it's been living rent free in my head all my life, but it's a lie. You are not powerless. You are always a somebody. (I won't touch little - after nigh on 25 years of marriage I've learned that a any issue re: woman's size/weight only has one correct response: "Yes, dear".)
On the other hand, gout sucks ostrich eggs. I've had an "early warning" as the doctor put it. The pain is right up there with testing for chlamydia or gonorrea old school style - the one where the sardonically smirking nurse runs a bottle brush up your organ, back and forth. Or so I'm told. (Everyone believes that one, right?)
And hey, you're famous, aren't you? Held up as shining example as to how to handle trolls by Matthew Crawford no less!
And yes, it's a guy thing. As is pulling a nail out while joking. It's right up there with "You should see the other guy" or "Did I get him?" when waking up in the ER. Don't show weakness, don't give up, keep going, keep working, man up. We compete endlessly against our ideal version of ourselves, and we wouldn't have it any other way. (Suggestion for future musings, not that I hink you lack topics: what's the equivalent for women? I have known - platonically I must point out - several women who seemed to embody the words unstoppabel force/immovable object, just as I have known men - again platonically - who are more of the wilting Lily kind.)
All the best - any day I see you have a new post up is a good day in my book.
I know it sounds weird? As a woman " Of a certain age"( wtf does that mean???) ...no ..I'll be 56 on Mother's Day..I can tell you that women have confused me my entire life. Ok, I'll admit that People confuse me, because I'm looking at them through my " Don't lie" filter... But my own sex generally befuddle me. Probably because I've never been a Girls girl. Never been a clique girl. Never been a " breakfast club/ book club/ make-up club girl.
I hope Guttermouth takes up your suggestion, because then I might get a clue? Lol
A cherry a day can help gout
Thank you for this. A couple thoughts:
My Mom had TAVR. And a horrific hospital experience when they refused to believe she was allergic to the blood thinner they'd given her,and after losing the ability to breath via anaphylaxis... an induced coma fiiiiinally gave them the time to fix their hosed up treatment.. and left my mom scared to die because she was aware! And the " Grey nothingness" terrified her.
She had the same electrophysiology reaction,got a pacemaker,and did well with recovery! Until pancreatic cancer occurred like kudzu. So- having rambled- your dad may recover as fully as he'll allow for. Let me say that again. As He'll Allow For.
I'm thinking a mixture of #2&3.
I'm a fighter. I've fought for everything all my fucking life. I've fought for my life for most of it...but I'm starting to wonder if " surrender" in a spiritual sense- isn't what I'm supposed to do? Try ...swat others along my way( because they need to wake the fuck up) to prepare for life without electricity ( because solar flares in a warning magnetosphere and likely micronova in our near-ish) and know it'll serve a future of many sorts...
All while my 25 yr old son continues to vacillate as to whether his mom is off her rocker on many fronts... She's been right, but..you know... her timeline isn't always on. She's been wrong rarely also,and those have been more indelibly chiseled in granite.
Meh- I'll try as I can to save him and the girl he married ( all the while wondering that she'd chip a nail planting stuff to survive...)
SC is pretty!! Wave hello to your West to me in Northeast Ga!!
Really beautiful prose about your dad.
Thanks. The adoption process is so dehumanizing and bullshit. I had to fight to get our initial payments back after they dropped us. They treat you like criminals. I get being careful, but it goes beyond. Anyone can be a parent, but the people who WANT to have to give up their privacy, crawl on their knees in a stupid social media meat market... grr.
Anyway. Thanks for the kind words.