The title ("Smile, Baby") was in response to the prevailing narrative that the absolute worst thing you can apparently do to a woman apart from sexually assault her is to tell her to smile.
And while I can understand that unsolicited advice for how to behave is a prickish thing to do (the complaint about this generally seems to be about catcallers), if you'd like to be seen as attractive, it's not WRONG advice.
There's a Zen koan, "do you smile because you're happy, or are you happy because you smile?"
I admit- and this is very un-feminist of me- I have been cheered up more than once by being told, in what I took as a non-predatory manner, to smile, when I was walking around with what was probably a bummed-out look on my face that I didn't notice.
We really don’t know you, but I’m thinking the “bummed out look” on your face might be due to the fact you were seriously focused, or doing some really hard thinking about some really tough topics, or pondering the current state of this fucked up world.
My wife's favorte description of me is "resting dick face". Many people mistake me for being constantly angry, but I promise I'm not generally an angry person. Sometimes a bit on the grumpy side, but not angry.
> There's a Zen koan, "do you smile because you're happy, or are you happy because you smile?"
With a Master's in psych, you would know better than I, but I think it's a toss-up. I have, on one or two occasions, forced myself to smile just to stop frowning. Like, on a base physical level. And it helped.
Koans notwithstanding, it's of course both. As a chicken-and-egg question, we're wired at birth to smile when seratonin and dopamine are produced, but that chemical conditioning cuts both ways.
I wanted to see if there were any discernible differences in comments based on gender as indicated by screen name. I wasn't disappointed. (See also, e.g., Dr. Yeadon's comment). Humor aside, HusbandMouth's answer was great and objectively truthful.
I find that to be true myself. We just went through building a new home, which due to Covid, asshole builder, supply chain, asshole builder, lazy workers, poor workmanship, did I mention asshole builder, TOOK US 19 months! It was the second worse ordeal of my life. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking when did I age so much, or why am I suddenly so ugly, or What in the hell happened to my face???!! Not to mention gaining 8 pounds. But now that it’s over, we’ve moved in and starting outside projects, I smile more often, feel better, and maybe look younger…….My partner told me over dinner tonight, “Hey, you look great, and happy!! (I pondered, was it the new hair color, or the 3 pounds I lost, or the cookies I made for dessert?!!). At any rate, I’m happy, and positive, and I agree with HusbandMouth!! Truly, I think the reason I’m so happy is after much persuasion, my 92 y/o mother is NOT getting a second booster. I won.
Omg, we went through a similar ordeal in 2019. What should have been an 8-week kitchen remodel/general house freshening turned into a year-long ordeal ending in abandonment. That bastard made our house WORSE (ripped out heavy door frames and replaced them with the cheapest ones available, for example). And he (“purportedly”) extorted about a quarter of a million dollars from us. CSLB was WORTHLESS, and the courts were worse than that. Second worst time of my life, too.
We can’t afford to fix everything that needs fixing; even if we could, EVERYONE is busy and materials costs have skyrocketed. And I feel literally traumatized (the pain is real)--I don’t know whom to trust, and we were stuck in a packed-up, unfinished house for two years because of Covid.
It’s a Herculean effort to be positive these days. What with life’s usual snafus and the state of our world, it’s all I can do to be halfway pleasant. I do wake up in gratitude and go to sleep counting my blessings of which there are many. It’s just the goings on during the day that make me want to chew through leather.
There seems to be no end in sight and no relief to the crazy sh@t going on in Washington which tends to cast a pallor over all. Hubby says quit listening and don’t care so much, but that’s not my nature. I’m incensed by the stupidity and evilness of those who swore oaths to do good. I’m working on finding my optimism which apparently has been missing for sometime. Husbandmouth’s astute comment was a timely reminder for many of us.
I believe there's an AA prayer that covers it - I remember it not because I'm in AA (Mama didn't raise a quitter), but because it applies to many more things outside of just those targeted therapy/counseling sessions.
It says: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
As I sat with my mom in her final days of cancer - expecting her to pass on to me another clear, concise and important lesson/wisdom that characterized most of her maternal interactions - she told me straight out - “that haircut looks terrible on you. You look like a sheep dog”. Stunned, I looked at her and responded - “seriously, this is what you want to tell me in your final days…”.
Of course, she was right - as always. Friends and husbands told me it was a becoming coiffe - it was not and I did look like a sheepdog. On all matters, she was a reliable red pill because she saw everything clinically and critiqued only for your best interests.
Before leaving me orphaned, I hated that quality. Now I miss it daily and always when I want to know the God’s honest truth about myself, my path, my relationships, etc. Best friends, husbands, even medical professionals can be cagey and compassionate with the truth. Truth-tellers like mom are few.
I am also one of those women.... I'd rather have a harsh truth than an attractive lie ( tho I'll appreciate it if your harsh truth is said with more tact than I can usually drum up).
You managed to find a gem in HM. I can find no wrong in his answer, in that he not only finds positivity attractive- but that in seeking even a bit more of it, you'll benefit your own self.
It's an interesting truth within a truth that it mattered more to him than the physical things I would have guessed.
Dennis Prager did a great video many years ago explaining along the lines of "why he still loves you when he looks at the girl in the bikini walking by".
! Omigosh....thanks! As soon as I wrote i didn't gonlook for it.... I gimped outside cussing because were under a second freeze watch in Ga!! Rarrrgh! My dang new Fuji apple just started to bloom! There were red-neck but heroic efforts by myself to try to protect it for tonight...
Smart HusbandMouth
It was a really cool answer.
The title ("Smile, Baby") was in response to the prevailing narrative that the absolute worst thing you can apparently do to a woman apart from sexually assault her is to tell her to smile.
And while I can understand that unsolicited advice for how to behave is a prickish thing to do (the complaint about this generally seems to be about catcallers), if you'd like to be seen as attractive, it's not WRONG advice.
There's a Zen koan, "do you smile because you're happy, or are you happy because you smile?"
I admit- and this is very un-feminist of me- I have been cheered up more than once by being told, in what I took as a non-predatory manner, to smile, when I was walking around with what was probably a bummed-out look on my face that I didn't notice.
We really don’t know you, but I’m thinking the “bummed out look” on your face might be due to the fact you were seriously focused, or doing some really hard thinking about some really tough topics, or pondering the current state of this fucked up world.
That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I have what more than one of my friends has referred to as a "thousand-yard stare."
My wife's favorte description of me is "resting dick face". Many people mistake me for being constantly angry, but I promise I'm not generally an angry person. Sometimes a bit on the grumpy side, but not angry.
> There's a Zen koan, "do you smile because you're happy, or are you happy because you smile?"
With a Master's in psych, you would know better than I, but I think it's a toss-up. I have, on one or two occasions, forced myself to smile just to stop frowning. Like, on a base physical level. And it helped.
Koans notwithstanding, it's of course both. As a chicken-and-egg question, we're wired at birth to smile when seratonin and dopamine are produced, but that chemical conditioning cuts both ways.
So yes, it's a feedback loop.
I wanted to see if there were any discernible differences in comments based on gender as indicated by screen name. I wasn't disappointed. (See also, e.g., Dr. Yeadon's comment). Humor aside, HusbandMouth's answer was great and objectively truthful.
I find that to be true myself. We just went through building a new home, which due to Covid, asshole builder, supply chain, asshole builder, lazy workers, poor workmanship, did I mention asshole builder, TOOK US 19 months! It was the second worse ordeal of my life. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking when did I age so much, or why am I suddenly so ugly, or What in the hell happened to my face???!! Not to mention gaining 8 pounds. But now that it’s over, we’ve moved in and starting outside projects, I smile more often, feel better, and maybe look younger…….My partner told me over dinner tonight, “Hey, you look great, and happy!! (I pondered, was it the new hair color, or the 3 pounds I lost, or the cookies I made for dessert?!!). At any rate, I’m happy, and positive, and I agree with HusbandMouth!! Truly, I think the reason I’m so happy is after much persuasion, my 92 y/o mother is NOT getting a second booster. I won.
>Truly, I think the reason I’m so happy is after much persuasion, my 92 y/o mother is NOT getting a second booster. I won.
Holy crap, that's great news. Congrats.
And congratulations about your mom!!! I wish mine listened to me.
Omg, we went through a similar ordeal in 2019. What should have been an 8-week kitchen remodel/general house freshening turned into a year-long ordeal ending in abandonment. That bastard made our house WORSE (ripped out heavy door frames and replaced them with the cheapest ones available, for example). And he (“purportedly”) extorted about a quarter of a million dollars from us. CSLB was WORTHLESS, and the courts were worse than that. Second worst time of my life, too.
We can’t afford to fix everything that needs fixing; even if we could, EVERYONE is busy and materials costs have skyrocketed. And I feel literally traumatized (the pain is real)--I don’t know whom to trust, and we were stuck in a packed-up, unfinished house for two years because of Covid.
I feel your pain!!!
Ahooowhat?! I'm so sorry...just dayum. :(
Joy is infectious. My New Years resolution was to cultivate gratitude, joy, and contentment. Great post.
We all need to remember to smile. To get out of the bed smiling because we have been gifted with another day. So much to be thankful for…
Lord yes! We must all remember, as my 88 y.o. dad likes to say, whatever happens in your LIFE today...it beats the alternative!
You have a keeper!
It’s a Herculean effort to be positive these days. What with life’s usual snafus and the state of our world, it’s all I can do to be halfway pleasant. I do wake up in gratitude and go to sleep counting my blessings of which there are many. It’s just the goings on during the day that make me want to chew through leather.
There seems to be no end in sight and no relief to the crazy sh@t going on in Washington which tends to cast a pallor over all. Hubby says quit listening and don’t care so much, but that’s not my nature. I’m incensed by the stupidity and evilness of those who swore oaths to do good. I’m working on finding my optimism which apparently has been missing for sometime. Husbandmouth’s astute comment was a timely reminder for many of us.
Sounds like a sound fellow.
as a person who has spent a lot of time being negative i can understand it.
those that think negatively are happier when their negativity is wrong... im a bit high and not expressing this well.
an optimist is often disappointed where as a pessimist is more likely to be pleasantly surprised
i just stopped giving a crap about what i cant control and am happier for it
I believe there's an AA prayer that covers it - I remember it not because I'm in AA (Mama didn't raise a quitter), but because it applies to many more things outside of just those targeted therapy/counseling sessions.
It says: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Very applicable everywhere, really.
As I sat with my mom in her final days of cancer - expecting her to pass on to me another clear, concise and important lesson/wisdom that characterized most of her maternal interactions - she told me straight out - “that haircut looks terrible on you. You look like a sheep dog”. Stunned, I looked at her and responded - “seriously, this is what you want to tell me in your final days…”.
Of course, she was right - as always. Friends and husbands told me it was a becoming coiffe - it was not and I did look like a sheepdog. On all matters, she was a reliable red pill because she saw everything clinically and critiqued only for your best interests.
Before leaving me orphaned, I hated that quality. Now I miss it daily and always when I want to know the God’s honest truth about myself, my path, my relationships, etc. Best friends, husbands, even medical professionals can be cagey and compassionate with the truth. Truth-tellers like mom are few.
Amen to this❤❤
I am also one of those women.... I'd rather have a harsh truth than an attractive lie ( tho I'll appreciate it if your harsh truth is said with more tact than I can usually drum up).
You managed to find a gem in HM. I can find no wrong in his answer, in that he not only finds positivity attractive- but that in seeking even a bit more of it, you'll benefit your own self.
I like it.
It's an interesting truth within a truth that it mattered more to him than the physical things I would have guessed.
Dennis Prager did a great video many years ago explaining along the lines of "why he still loves you when he looks at the girl in the bikini walking by".
Psssht ...*I* look at the bikini girl! ( granted it's usually in appreciation of the body I never had or the chutzpah o rock it I also never had)
But unless my guy has been slobbering...I expect it Nd it doesn't offend me. I should look up that vid ...
Here it is: (YouTube)
https://youtu.be/dlZsGpWJmos
and here (PragerU portal): https://www.prageru.com/video/he-wants-you
! Omigosh....thanks! As soon as I wrote i didn't gonlook for it.... I gimped outside cussing because were under a second freeze watch in Ga!! Rarrrgh! My dang new Fuji apple just started to bloom! There were red-neck but heroic efforts by myself to try to protect it for tonight...
I just lost three goddamn citrus trees. 🤬 Commiserations.
The cobwebs ! Bwaaahaha.
It was well done. I felt sorry for a lady in the comments whose husband dragged her and her babe in arms after a large breastfed woman tho :(