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Joe Dirt's avatar

As a former too long unemployed husband I can tell you what motivated me to get a job. The wife said, "I am not leaving you, I promised for better or worse, and you haven't see worse yet". I took the first position offered, which I am highly overqualified for because I have no interest in finding out how much worse it can get being married to a redhead. At some point, I will be motivated to look for something which pays more but at the moment I am happy with the work I do and it is totally out of my experience and gender. I work at a florist shop, doing grunt work, deliveries and menial tasks for which I am paid not terribly less than the hourly rate I made when paid salary given that I was expected to work 15-20 hours overtime each week for that salary.

With Valentines day coming up, I may even have to dig through the reject flowers and put together an arrangement for the wife and present it with a lisp. "Happy Valentineth Day Thweetheart". That should make her worry.

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Guttermouth's avatar

I worked at a florist all through college and enjoyed it so much that I have often since that I would do something like it purely for pleasure after retirement.

I'll mention, though, in light of your joke at the end, that everyone at that shop that were permanent employees were men- quite masculine ones at that- and this was true in a lot of places. I never associated the business side of it as being especially feminine or "fruity" even if the market is mostly female.

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Joe Dirt's avatar

The women I work with are a hoot, I think it is something to do with the finishing spray the arrangements get, it reminds me a lot of aquanet fumes. It is a good fit for me. Today I spent a good chunk of my time propagating flowers and the balance of it delivering flowers.

I have to tell you it is pretty fun delivering flowers to women and seeing them smile knowing that someone was thinking of them. Reminds me I need to bring the wife flowers on Tuesday so I can make her smile the same way. I bet I can arrange that and make the delivery myself while she is at work.

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Phisto Sobanii's avatar

For the Fauci grave party, can I lead the Shitting Contingent?

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Guttermouth's avatar

I'd be disappointed if you didn't. Maybe I'll volunteer to make a token deposit.

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Phisto Sobanii's avatar

There’s gonna be so much fucking cheese.

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MotW's avatar

re: the mood swing - my best guess, as a non-medical professional, with no scientific education beyond high school chemistry class, is that vaping-quitting you mentioned. I quit smoking cold-turkey some years ago; after 2 'meh' days, went 42 or more sleepless hours, and became earnestly interested in where and how to begin my murder spree. (I am not normally a very excitable or violent person). Nicotine is a VERY powerful drug.

Good friends saved the day, as they so often do.

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CraigN's avatar

BTW GM, how would you know what a 'meth high' felt like? Asking for a friend.

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Guttermouth's avatar

I have never tried any hard drugs (unless you count one attempt with psilocybin). But I've dealt with addicts as friends and clients for a good part of my life.

More than one person has annoyed the shit out of everyone around them all night while pacing around and being volatile on a meth high in my presence that I feel like I've gotten a few data points.

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CraigN's avatar

Hey, just stay away from the axes if that is how you are feeling. 🪓

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Guttermouth's avatar

Like I said, it passed in the course of an evening. It was just me walking the farm all night with my heart beating out of my chest. No one to annoy.

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Texan DeeW's avatar

When I quit smoking 47 years ago, my panic attacks came in such quick succession that it felt continuous. It lasted about 10 days with each day worse than the day before. Once I got through it, I viewed it all as a blessing. It was so bad that I would NEVER be tempted to pick up another cigarette. Stay the course. It may happen again. Then revel in your success.

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Ray's avatar

right, haven't finished the article yet but i gotta jump on the diet and mood swings

with keto, especially if it isnt your first attempt will go slow, any weight you lost so far is water retention. it will take at least 6 weeks for your body to settle down, it will have to get rid of the inflammation and only then think about working on fat loss.

the mood issues are a symptom of keto, your gut bacteria talk continuously and instantaneously with your brain and the ones that feed off carbs and sugars are pissed off and dying. you mood will get more stable and should lift in the coming weeks x

someone mentioned iodine in the comments, do you eat fish? if not i'd recommend detoxadine rather than lugols based on my research

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John Henry Holliday, DDS's avatar

After the devil comes to claim Fauci, do you think the Covidians will gather at his burial site like disaffected youths at Jim Morrison's grave in Pere Lachaise?

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Guttermouth's avatar

If they do, I hope I'm not too old by then to successfully beat at least one of them up.

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Kimry's avatar

Curious, and don't mean you to get riled up, but why can't Husbandmouth get a job with ups or something while still looking for a job?

Great job with the farm, I'm envious. I'm going to try a small vegetable garden this year.

For your weird sickness, check out NAC. Up your vitamin D3 and C. Maybe some zinc too. Blessings.

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Guttermouth's avatar

Yes, indeed. Why can't he?

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Bandit's avatar

I understand more than you'll ever know. It's a stab in the heart. 😭🤬

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Kimry's avatar

I'm sorry.

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Perplexity's avatar

Maybe up the B's too.

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TexasRaggedy's avatar

I don’t recall how I came upon your Substack, however, I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your life stories each week! The music video was also great! 😊

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Guttermouth's avatar

Thanks, and I'm glad you liked the Sufrajettes!

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Thalia Toha's avatar

How did the surgery go? I've had friends with ACL surgeries--and heard mixed outcomes.

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Guttermouth's avatar

Oh, hello! This was a dusty post indeed.

It went magnificently. It took me 6 months of rehab to be "cleared for sports," ie., fully strenuous activity.

I got spectacularly ripped off on physical therapy that my insurance was not actually paying for- but was scheduled QUITE frequently on my behalf- that I just finished paying bills on recently.

I quit it once I figured out what was going on, and just put myself on a simple daily regimen that worked fine.

To be honest, the hardest part was psychological- trusting that it was actually BETTER and fully functional. There were a few months where it wax purely my own internal doubts that would make me flinch while I was, say turning on my heel while carrying weight, or throwing a kick, etc.

But yeah, now I've just got a little scar on my knee and I get to say "I used necromancy on my knee."

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Hemmingway's avatar

Your scary night episode sounds like my thyroid issues. Mine went hyper a year ago for a few months and thyroid tests at first were normal so allopathic docs were clueless. They suggested ablation.

My naturopath got me on Lugol's Iodine and life is much better. Can i just say that menopause is a bitch?

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Guttermouth's avatar

I pondered that but I'm still a bit young, if my mom is any indicator.

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Free Human's avatar

Yeah, it does sound thyroid-ish. I had similar issues w/ Hashimoto's autoimmune thyroid disease about 15 yrs ago - bouncing back and forth between hyper & hypo every other month or two. Glad it wasn't manic depression, but it sure felt like it. And it can (and did) cause early menopause. By the time the docs figured out it was really Hashi's, too much damage had been done and they had to remove the remains of my thyroid. Not saying you've got it - could be a lot of things (new 5G towers nearby radiating you, freshly boosted sheep shedding on you, etc.) but might be good idea to get a full set of labs. And don't let them get away with just testing TSH, that's bullshit & why so many people w/ underlying thyroid issues remain un-or-under-treated. What with the possibility of the future unavailability of pharmaceutical drugs (T3, T4), the last thing you want to be is in my situation, with no thyroid and no meds...

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Rikard's avatar

Misread it as "smurfrock".

That wobblyness you described sounds awfully familiar. I've had similar episodes when I was still teaching - continously heightened negative stress* over time was the cause according to the whitecoats. You want to watch that, and find a constructive release - like building a fence maybe.

Am very jealous of your animal farm (why is it called animal husbandry in english?), would love to be able to afford beehives, piggie wiggies and goats. Will probably have to lop a couple of heads off roosters come summer - up until now it's worked out to have several in the same enclosure but the other day we found one so badly pecked he's currently recuperating in a cardboard box in the wife's sewing room (aka the room I do not enter**). One of the new ones, some kind of Road Runner-lookalike breed, is growing fiercely territorial, so he's for the block to if he doesn't mend his ways - he won't mount the hens, he won't keep order, all he does is eat and shit and crow.

At night when the moon is out.

Haven't experienced a meth high myself, but acid used to make everything move in total slo-mo, as if the world was set in pine resin and I could move like lightning. Which is cool until you try to walk down a set of stairs which turns out to be an escalator in the subway, said escalator starting to move when you walk on it. According to my friends, I looked like I was doing John Cleese's "silly walks"-routine on the escalator. In skintight black stretch-jeans, size 13 Get-a-Grip boots halfway up to the knees, a mustard coloured "wife-beater" shirt, and a foot and a half mohawk hairdo.

If I was the praying kind, I'd give thanks daily for cameraphones not existing back then.

Anyways, speaking as one man about/to another, not finding a paying job makes one feel less like a Man. That can become self-loathing (speaking from personal experience). Only way to combat that I ever found - excepting chemicals- was getting off my bee-hind and getting on wth things, even if it was piddling stuff like replanting all the houseplants.

Don't know if that would help Husbandmouth, but trying to dredge up feeling some pride and joy in doing daily chores goes along way for me, and I'd rather do that than go on bloody pills or something.

Okay, Jiminy Cricket-moment over.

*Negative stress was explained to me as stress you feel when you are unable to affect events/surroundings/circumstances or perceives a lack of being unable to. It quickly becomes self-fulfilling and a self-referential reinforcement spiral. (Guessing you know this stuff already but some things needs saying anyway. Of course, feel free to tell me to step off if you feel I'm being to much of a knowitall busybody!)

**Because we have different definitions of Order. Hers is that it's order if /she/ knows where everything is; mine is that it is order if you could drop a space alien in there and it'd immediately understand where everything is and how it's organised.

I long for Spring. We have a foot of icy snow, frozen so solid I had to use the chainsaw the other day to clear the steps on the porch. The yard is covered in 5" of solid ice. F*cking Greta, I'd like to give her a chisel and make her clear the yard of ice, global warming my hoary hairy buttocks mumble grumble.

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Guttermouth's avatar

You need to slaughter that scrawny annoying rooster ASAP. That body type is bad genes.

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Rikard's avatar

Yeah, all signs point to a short sharp whack with the axe. For now, we've got a small portable construction we usually place hens trying to hatch chickens in - spring is at least a month to six weeks away here, so they're barely laying.

And we might put together a roosting box that can be in the house, to keep the hen and the egss/chickens safe from mice and squirrels and such.

Am not buying chickens (or anything) from the seller that foisted the roadrunners on us, that's for sure. She must have known that she sold us for roosters. I wonder how people who are stupid like that can thrive - here you still live very much on your reputation, and a bad rep sticks like tar.

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LHuff8's avatar

Intermittent fasting worked for me, though I think Keto is a great start, getting rid of excess carbs. However, I found Keto hard to stick to (strictly) for the long haul. My weight was going up & up, & unlike in my 40's & below, I couldn't lose weight anymore; it just kept going up & I was so discouraged. Lost 24 lbs using the Zero app, listening to success stories on podcasts, & have kept it off, no problem for 3 years. Back to my high school weight of 128. It's so good for you internally, as well.

My 2 cents on your husband: he feels much worse about it than you do. You're a team: support him & show him that you need him, & that you believe in him. You really do, and he needs to know it. Life is full of ups & downs, & this is the place where believing in him will make the difference for your future together. It's worth it (married 44 years).

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Ryan Gardner's avatar

I am addicted to vaping. It sucks. I have quit 2 times for over 2 years in both cases. But as soon as I had one hit I was back at it

Hang in G. Just remind yourself every second that goes by is the effect of less addiction

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Guttermouth's avatar

For the record, I think vaping is generally very safe and I enjoy it immensely, but I'd be lying to myself if it didn't obviously destroy my cardio capacity and anecdotally seems to be a net negative on weight loss.

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Ryan Gardner's avatar

Yeah think you're right. There's another component for me: the "selfishness" of sometimes not being "present" with my kids because I do not do that around them.

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Jimmy Gleeson's avatar

Do the Sufrajettes do an instrumental of the Wings song "Jet?"

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Guttermouth's avatar

Maybe? They do a fair number of covers. Check their YT channel. Also on Spotify.

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Jimmy Gleeson's avatar

The reason why I ask is their name is in one of the lyrics of the song "Jet."

"And Jet, I thought the Major was a Lady Suffragette"

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CraigN's avatar

I see they have a 'tour' but you would have to drive to Akron, on 1 specific date.

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Bandit's avatar

I'd like to see/hear tgem do "Wipe Out." The one they played was "nice." Too slow and boring for my tastes. Did not have a good beat and you can't dance to it.

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Guttermouth's avatar

Well, it was a cover of a pop song that I don't normally think of as a dance/club track. It was just presented as proof of concept on their sound.

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Bandit's avatar

I had never heard or heard of the original. I can see laying on the beach with a campfire, talking to a couple of friends listening to this type of music before going to sleep. (Above the high tide line. 😉)

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Guttermouth's avatar

Yep, that's what I love about surf rock. For me it's generally driving alone at night, preferably with a smoke in hand.

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Bandit's avatar

"Driving alone at night"...exactly why I need raucous music. To keep my butt awake. 😳

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Jim Marlowe's avatar

Great song! I'm a big fan of surf instrumentals. Fun fact: Jimi Hendrix was a fan of Dick Dale, whom he thought was dying at the time he wrote a reference to "surf music" in Third Stone from the Sun.

I am just a lawyer, and have no medical education, but with your diet change, the "episode" you experienced has some of the hallmarks of hypoglycemia. The optimist side of me that I keep carefully hidden would say it was transitory as your metabolism adjusts to a new normal.

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Alluminator's avatar

Thank you for the music. I grew up on the beach in Southern California and well remember those days and the music. I am embarrassed to say that the first 45 I ever bought was the Monkees!

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Bandit's avatar

Which song? I used to have an album. I loved listening to it.

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General John H Forney's avatar

Maybe a reference to Bowie's Sufferjett City.

My mind wanders now and then."Wham bam, thank you ma'ma"😎

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Bandit's avatar

Loved that song! 🤗

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