Attention: New Designs!

Attention: New Designs is an anagram for Nintendo Ass Tweeting

“Nintendo Ass Tweeting” is the best anagram of all time. Prove me wrong.

As promised, I’m announcing the hot-ass brand new designs as well as this month’s paid subscriber who has the dubious honor of receiving free Gutter shit- and I managed to get it done in the first week of August, so I can still say “the beginning of the month” and feel more honest than anyone at the CDC!

Brothermouth and I have been working on these for a while, and I wanted to make sure they rolled out in time for the next winner to be able to choose from among them:

Pretty fuckin’ spiffy, no? All of these are also available as mugs, and- by special request only (because we have to source them separately and it’s marginally more work)- hoodies in several colors.

Head on over to Brothermouth’s shop, Check My Privilege, and get you some.

There’s one more design, as well- for those of you who truly experience a sense of belonging and community at this substack, in addition to my sincerest apologies for the sad state of your life, I present to you The Official Mug Of The Gutter:

I really wanted to make the whole mug either the shit brown color or the monkey vomit color of the logo, so you wouldn’t just be buying another black mug, but thanks Obama. Anyway, it’s still pretty fuckin’ sweet, and a definite conversation piece.

This month is exciting: we have TWO winners, for a very special reason: in addition to the regular monthly selection, some UTTER FUCKING NUT CUTLET bought the $100 Founder’s Subscription, which no one was supposed to buy. And that utter fucking nut cutlet is… Dr. K.

In addition to being an actual doctor who somehow doesn’t have “Lawful Evil” tattooed on his forehead. Dr. K apparently also holds a doctorate in Buying Overpriced Shit On The Internet.

To thank Dr. K. for his incredibly generous service to the cause of scatology, seething internet rage, freedom, and justice, Dr. K (and all future psychopaths who feel the need to drop $100 to listen to a chick curse and take pictures of animal poop) will receive AN OFFICIAL GUTTER MUG, as well as a voucher for one of anything else in the store of his choice.

Our regular, ordinary monthly paid subscription winner is Ryan Gardner. Ryan Gardner and I have actually met in real life, as it turns out- though this has absolutely nothing to do with him winning. (I roll dice for it.) Good old RG and I met in a titty bar in Cambodia about 10 years ago when I walked in carrying an empty jerry can looking to see if they had any kerosene in the bar that I could use in my scooter that broke down about 3 miles back on the highway. I had paid 3 Cambodian gangsters- I mean soldiers- I mean policemen- to watch it for me and needed to get back soon before they began poking around and discovered the frozen bull semen I was keeping in the cargo pod. Ryan was at the bar watching a really artsy transvestite Elvis Presley strip show with this bored look on his face like “I don’t want anyone to think I’m into this, including me,” while drinking his Alabama Slammer.

The bartender knew what I was after, grabbed the bottle marked “vodka,” and started to fill the jerry can. Seeing the only other westerner in the place, I said, “hey, this is a weird show you’re watching.” Ryan replied, “I’m not really into this, I’m just killing time waiting for a friend.”

I grinned hugely. “That’s what your mom said last night while she was doing it with me for money,” and immediately ducked as RG hucked a rocks glass at my skull.

Long story short, the glass hit the bartender, other comedy ensued, a shotgun blast started a kerosene fire, we fought back to back against an entire shrimp boat full of sailors, and got away on my scooter before the bull semen thawed.

And are now the best of friends.

Dr. K., Ryan Gardner, you will each shortly receive a one-time code by email redeemable for your free shit.

Everyone else can always use the code BUTTHOLE to receive 15% off in perpetuity on all Gutter merch.

Don’t forget, you can get all this awesome capitalist detritus at Check My Privilege¹.

I’ve been doing plenty of drafts and I promise more actual writing is coming.

UPDATE: Winners have received their one-time codes for free shizzle. Respond to the address you received them from if there are any issues redeeming them.

A new winner will be selected next month, sometime in the first week, randomly chosen from all paid subscribers who haven’t already won something this year.

1. Shop link in case embedded links go bad for some reason: https://checkmyprivilege.co/